Would it be wrong of me to think that the reason I didn't die was because I wasn't good enough for God. I don't get it, I have been begging to leave this world for so long. I have never fit in any where in my life. Never felt like I belong or I was even worth living. So why am I still alive? Is living punishment for all the things I am ashamed of. I just wish I knew why I was still alive. I mean I never fit in or feel any sense of belonging and all I ever do is disappoint. I know I should be thanking God for still being alive but at the same time I wish he would of took me away. I feel like I have no chance in life. I was raised to be strong but sometimes thoughts and pain just over bear my strength. I try so hard to let go but what I have been through is what made me the screwed up person I am today. I really wish I knew the way to get over my past and just forget. I try so hard to but every time I turn the corner there is a reminder. So why am I still alive? Sometimes it's like i've already lived a full life, my mind feels so mentally ill. If your reading this sorry, i know im just bitching but I don't understand. Because honestly, sometimes im so tired of not living that I want to die.